Why am I Depressed?
By L. (Written on August 09, 2008)
When I look at myself in the mirror I have no regrets, I can't think of anything relevant that I would have done differently. I think everyone grows up with a hero; I however, didn't have one, and so, I guess I decided to be my own hero. People usually say I'm too judgmental towards others; however, what they don't know is that I'm far more judgmental towards myself. All my choices have always been carefully measured, and there have been numerous times when I could have made choices where my life would have become much better and yet I made a different choice because to me, that was the correct choice. Each of these choices were hard to make, but with every single one of them it was as if a weight had been removed from my shoulders, as if I had been able to permanently overcome a desire. After fighting my desires throughout my entire life, I believe I am finally done with it; I can finally say that I don't need to have what I want because I want what I have. All those times when I gave up something in order to make the right choice have finally paid up because even though each of those times I gave up some happiness, having overcome my desires has brought me to a state of ultimate happiness. I don't really need anything for myself, I've lived in a small hospital room and I was happy with it; I've been abandoned by my father and I was happy with it; I've lived in half a room while sleeping on the floor in someone's house and I was happy with it; I've had the person who cared about me the most and whom I cared about the most die, and I was happy with it; I've literally walked more than 10 miles in one day to go to work and I was happy with it; I've been paid less than half of what my work was worth and I was happy with it...By L. (Written on August 09, 2008)
Why am I so deeply depressed then?
After thinking about this question for a long time I believe I've finally found an answer. The problem is that I have nobody to share this happiness with. Everywhere I look I see people looking for different things that I know, for I once looked for them as well, that will never bring them true happiness; that even if they get it, there will then be other things that they will want that will keep them from being happy. When I look around me all I see is a multitude of people full of desires and regrets; people who want what they can't have; who want what they don't need; who wish their lives were different; who wish they could have done things differently; all I see is... sadness. And so this ultimate state of happiness that I've achieved becomes an ultimate state of sadness and numbness because being the only one happy is so lonely, it's extremely saddening. So you see, it's not that I am judgmental of others, it's that I know what they're looking for, I know how to get it, and I see them so desperately striving for it, knowing that they won't reach it the way they're going but instead only hurt themselves, and I try with all I can to help... but it's all for nothing, because I never get anywhere, and in the end I am seen as the bad person, as the enemy. All I have now is frustration, disappointment, exhaustion, and loneliness. I'm running out of hope and energy, and carrying this weight everyday just isn't really worth it. And there really isn't much else I can do about it because I can't just throw away this happiness I have found, and as long as I have to live with it alone this happiness will always taste sour.
2 comments:
What you say about people is so true. My parents for example immigrated here from a former communist European country. They were raised to believe that hard work would get you to where you want to be. Hard work will help you accomplish all your goals! It turned out they did accomplish what they wanted to. They escaped from the former communist country(romania)which was dangerous, they could have been shot to death. They brought their children to the U.S. so they could have better lives. They raised those children by starting their own businesses and making income. Those children got sent to a private school and had only the best. However, if you ask me, their child, when the happiest time in my life was my answer would be: when we were poor staying only at friends houses who accepted us into their home as strangers. Meeting GOOD people who had no selfish desires, only the desire to help a young couple with their 3 daughters. The happiest moment in my life was when my family was always together,not always working and never home. We were poor but we were HAPPY! We were free from material posessions because we had none and we loved eachother and no matter what happened we could get through it. Ever since I was a child I understood that I was special. I understood I had something that most people do not have. Now I look back and I wonder what that was? That feeling, or better explained, that knowledge that I had that I was so special? I realized that I was so special because I had a family that truly geniunley loved me UNCONDITIONALLY. I knew I was special because I was the result of TRUE LOVE. I hope that one day I can find someone who understands true geniune unconditional love. Someone who understands that love is not a feeling but a decision someone makes to care for another human being no matter what. I am prepared to love to the fullest. I already love my family like that. No matter what someone does to me I will forgive them. I will sacrifice for them. I will care for them. I will be there for them. I will be the strong one. I may not always get love in return but I know that I must give this love and hope that one day the person who recieved it will understand it and pass it on to someone else.
Interesting post. Kind of like saying you've gotten to your own personal zenith and found yourself alone at the top. So, did you really think there could be anyone else there as well ?!? Your entire post sums up to Yin and Yang concept. You appear unfulfilled. Even though you say you know what true happiness means for you, you believe that personal standard applies to everyone else ? Don't take this as an attack post, it's not. I believe you have stopped your evolution too soon because you cannot see beyond a simple,tiny piece of what we Americans call "common sense" :
If you're lonely at the top, drag someone up there with you.
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